Make Yourself A Priority and Not An Option

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You may think that the Maya Angelou quote in the picture below is common sense. But, I will be honest, since admission is the first step in recovery...Hello, my name is Toya T and I am a recovering undercover overlover (points if you know the cultural reference). No matter how much book smarts that I have, when comes to matters of the heart I am an idiot. Remember Mr. WFM. He was a major recipient of over a decade of Toya T's brand of love, affection, and adoration. I willingly gave him 100% of me in hopes that he would love me, care about me, or treat me the way that I wanted and deserved. Unfortunately (but really fortunately, in hindsight), that never happened. I got 25% at best. (Plus tears, jealousy, and a burning desire to bust all of the windows out of his car). As much as I wanted him to give me 100%, he was never going to give me it because you can't force/convince/pressure someone into giving you more than they have or want to give. 

The only person that I

need

to give a 100% to is myself. When you make yourself a priority, it becomes harder to accept being only an option to those you let into your life and heart.  

My Mother Doesn't Want Me to Marry "My Father"

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Do girls really marry their fathers?

This morning my mother came into my room and told me about something she learned last night during an episode of the OWN hit show "Iyanla- Fix My Life." Girls tend to marry men who are similar to their fathers. Though she thought that she was sharing some new information, I surprised her with my confession that not only did I know already this idea but I had already identified it in my dating decisions. Upon hearing this, my mother declared, "No wonder you can't find anyone (to be in a relationship with), you are looking for your father and he is not real."

Um...what? My father is definitely real. My mother dated him for several years and created me with him. When I dug a little deeper, I found that my mother meant that looking for a man that has similar qualities and characteristics as my father is an unrealistic goal, like searching for a mythical creature that you may get sightings of but will never find. Unfortunately (for my mother), again, I had to burst her concerned motherly bubble and let her know that "my father" is real and I was in a very long, complicated relationship with him from college until 2013.

Let's call this guy Mr. WFM (wrong for me). Me and Mr. WFM met early freshmen year of college. He was charismatic, intelligent, and attractive. There was a spark between us, an immediate attraction. I remember telling my ABC (ace boon coon...her words not mine) Aisha about him and how I had never been attracted to someone like him before. We felt like kindred spirits that were meant to be in each other's lives in some way. What I didn't see coming was the role he would play in my life. The moment that our friendship moved to being more than just friends, the story of me and Mr. WFM became my friends' favorite drama-filled soap opera (or maybe more like their favorite telenovela) storyline. There were fun nights of clubbing and early morning breakfasts, cooking for each other, wide smiles, laughs, tears, love, hate, breaks, reunions, moves, shared meals, steamy sex scenes, driving lessons, girlfriends, boyfriends, yelling, sneaking around, sleepovers, shopping trips, long talks, heart to hearts, family dinners, late-night text messages, cross-country video calls, thoughts of throwing bricks through windows, and friendship.

It was a relationship. And, it was not until the beginning of the end that I realized why I couldn't shake Mr. WFM. He is my father. He is Caribbean, smart, driven, charismatic, funny, fun to be around, the life of the party, outspoken, confident, generous, cooks the yummiest food at the drop of dime, and makes a good drink. That is my father and that is Mr. WFM. No matter how many times Mr. WFM made me cry or how long I stopped talking to him, I could not let me go. I felt that I had to forgive him. I had to check in on him. I had to keep in touch. And I do because I feel connected to him. I spent my entire 20s loving and hating this man. The year I turned 30 I realized that I had to stop. We had to stop. Like the closing of the beautifully written Jill Scott song "

Cross My Mind

" says: "the reality honestly is you were never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do."

With all that said, I say to my mother, my friends, and you lovely readers, don't worry about me. I am not trying to marry "my father." Even if I was, I don't see it as a problem. My father is a great man, but maybe he was not the right man for my mother. And, that is okay because from their relationship I was born. As for my Mr. Wrong For Me, I wish him nothing but the best as he grows and matures into the man I hope he can be. I love him and I will always love him. I learned a lot about myself and love (and other things) from my relationship with him. And, I am still growing, still learning, and still searching for my Mr. Right (For Me).

Why Self-Care is Important (especially for Women)

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We have all heard the saying "work hard, play harder." It is the idea that if you do your work to the best of your ability, then you need to play even harder--e.g., party, drink, get crunk, dance, get loose, rock out with your cock (American Pie reference)... I think you get the point.

It is a great idea. It encourages that you take time to treat yourself. The problem is this type of activity works well when you are in your 20s. Well, at least when I was in my 20s and living in New York City, partying until 4am on a Friday and then hitting a food spot for a 5am breakfast was fun. It made some of grad school stress melt away after a week of classes and studying. But now that I am in my 30s, I just can't hang like that anymore. Clubs have lost their appeal. If I do decide to go out, I'd rather relax at a lounge and be in bed by 1am (maybe 2am if it is an especially fun night).

Instead of partying harder, I am more invested in self-care. This idea of rewarding yourself is simpler than going out and "partying." It can be a small thing, such as taking the time to meditate for 15 minutes during the day, or it can be a big thing, such as attending a Beyonce concert. Self-care is making sure that you take some time to be selfish, to do something that makes YOU happy. As we get older, we gain more and more responsibilities, including work, school, family, and kids, and can easily put ourselves at the end of the long list of things we need to do.

In the video below, I talk about a few ways I take care of myself. Hopefully, you guys and gals out there get a few ideas on how to put self-care at the top of your to-do list.

And The Point of It All Is...Higher Education Matters

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Not too long ago I was engaged in a heated debate on Facebook with a few friends about the pros and cons of incurring student loan debt in the pursuit of getting to putting a few letters behind one's name. In my case, I have amassed over 100k in student loan debt to be called Dr. LaToya Asantelle Tavernier, B.A., M.A., Ph.D. Having that much debt is not a great thing. I have lost sleep some nights thinking about how much money that I owe Sallie Mae and her bastard minions. And I have often talked about my thoughts on the graduate school experience and on whether or not I would do it again if I could relive the past 10 years of my life. But since I can't turn back time, I have spent many hours thinking about what was the point of all the debt and stress that I brought on myself in the pursuit of the professional titles.

One of the participants of my Facebook debate argued that people today put immediate gratification--the desire to pursue advanced degrees in spite of their inability to pay for it without taking out massive loans--over their financial health--the future ability to buy a home or save for retirement. They suggested that folks should attend schools that they can afford (e.g., attending community college or state schools instead private universities), and/or they should work first and save money (or get their employers to pay part or all of their tuition) before they pursue advanced degrees. This opinion didn't go over very well with me or my Facebook friends that possessed advanced degrees and student loan debt.

I completely understood the point of living within your means. I know that my massive graduate school debt is going to delay, or possibly prohibit, my ability to buy a home or to build a sizeable nest egg for my later years. I live at home with my mama in her house. I have been living there for the past 4 years because I am not in a place where I can afford to live in my own place, pay bills (including my monthly loan repayments), put food in my belly, and have an active social life. But you know what, I can't say that going to graduate school straight out of undergrad and taking on thousands of dollars of loans a year for the past 10 years was a poor or unwise decision. Yes, I could have made better efforts to apply for scholarships and to find ways to cut my loan amounts. But I can't say that I have ruined my chances at good financial future. Maybe it will take me longer than my friends who didn't take out over 100k in federal loans in the pursuit of intellectual growth and a professional title. But I will get there. I may not have my own home or my own apartment at age 32. But I have the satisfaction of knowing that I have accomplished something that a small percent of people in this world, especially among those who look like me and come from where I came from.

I have earned my PhD, a goal that I created for myself in my early teens. That accomplishment makes me happy. It gives me great pride. It means more to me than owning a home in my 30s or having $10,000 in my savings account.

Because I truly believe that the point of it all---in my case, the stress, student loans, long nights reading, the multiple research assistant and adjunct jobs for low pay, low bank statements, and the living at home as an adult (in other words, LIFE)---is for me to be able to do work that I love and that I am proud of. That is something I tell my friends, family, and my students. The point of this life is to be happy (and to not let debt, naysayers, self-doubt, and other barriers stand in your way).

Dating in Your 30s Is Like...

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dating in your 30s is like

Dating in your 30s (in Boston) (as a black woman) (with multiple degrees) (with a preference for black men) sucks. At 32, I find myself in a weird place in my life. I am too old to just be "having fun" with someone. And I am too young to be desperate. I have to be deliberate about my dating. Focused. No more playing games. God, biology, and my mother have made it very clear that I can't wait around for future partner to find me. I gotta be proactive in this day and age, if I wanna get married and have dem babies "all" of my friends seem to be popping out these days (according to my mother). Can't be the last girl standing on the dance floor without a partner with whom I can dance through life.

Finding a man. A black man (with a college education and a career) ( and no kids) (and not a fuck boy) is hard. They are either married, in a relationship, short, not ready to commit, not interested in black women, looking for side chick (or two), or asshole. And if you happen to find one that is single, he is the hottest commodity out there (and he knows it). You are competing with your best friends, enemies, cousins, sisters, and gold diggers with pretty faces, thick bodies, and no sense in their heads.

With all that said, I have been proactive in my search for love. I have gone on dates. I have let friends set me up. I have approached guys at bars. I have given my number to guys that I have met at work, school, and at social events. I have minded my social circle for "great guys" I overlooked or placed in the friend zone. I have dived into online dating --Match, OkCupid, BlackPeopleMeet, Tinder, Meld, and How About We. In some of these scenarios, I met some nice guys, went on a few dates, got to know them, and imagined what a relationship with them would be like. In other scenarios, I met some weirdos, freaks, and fuck boys who had nothing to offer me but a free meal and a funny story for my friends to chuckle over.

Since I turned 30, I have tried to be more open with guys. When I was in my 20s, I was afraid of saying anything about what I was thinking or feeing, unless asked directly, for fear of scaring a guy away. After too many tears, angry texts, thoughts of throwing bricks through car windows, and liquor-fueled screaming and crying (in public), I have learned that I just have to say what I feel. I don't have time for games and beating around the bush. Guys are not mind readers---forget what your parents told you about actions speaking louder than words. Words can be pretty loud. "I like you and want to pursue a relationship with you" is a very clear and bold statement. It cuts out much of the frustration, hurt feelings, and wasted energy. Plus, I have too many things to do in my life than to be acting out a Tyler Perry play with any man that does not want to be with me.